


Nothing to Fix

by brotective



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombies, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arson, Backstory, Coping, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dark Past, F/F, Murder, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22220548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brotective/pseuds/brotective
Summary: Nearly two years after the start of the apocalypse, Chisato’s realization that her bandmate is going to die leads to a struggle with her choices and regrets. Kaoru is more than willing to serve as her support system.[ zombie apocalypse au ]
Relationships: Maruyama Aya & Shirasagi Chisato, Seta Kaoru/Shirasagi Chisato
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	Nothing to Fix

**Author's Note:**

> this is based off of my twitter au, which can be found on @bandoribard if you’d like to read it for more context! obviously the actual outcome is... somewhat different from the au itself, but i altered one major choice and that’s it  
> also thank u to actual legend divinenoodles for beta reading!

The beds at the school weren’t the best, but Kaoru had gotten accustomed to them.

She laid under a comforter taken directly from the hotel, her head on a pillow she had sewn herself, and her body on top of fabric scraps to distance her from the cold floor. Of course, these days, she rarely slept alone—ever since Chisato had confessed her feelings for her that day that they were alone in the library, the two had taken to sharing a bed. Even back at the hotel, they had occasionally slept together when they needed a bit of extra support, so Kaoru was no stranger to Chisato’s warmth.

She hadn’t come to bed yet, but with the gate outside, Kaoru wasn’t particularly scared. Moca had been put on watch that night, and the rest of the group was still outside, so she knew that her girlfriend was in good hands either way. Chisato often liked to go on walks around their camp in the evenings, too, so this was far from odd.

When Chisato returned, Kaoru smiled. The room was still empty besides the two of them, so she could greet her without worrying about waking anyone up.

“Good evening, my love.”

Chisato failed to greet Kaoru back, though, keeping her head down and her face obscured. She laid on the bed facing her, and—contrary to Kaoru’s assumption that this meant she wanted to be the big spoon tonight—buried her head in her chest. Kaoru wrapped her arms around her, holding her close.

She then realized that the room was still empty. True, she did go to bed quite early due to having to work a watch shift that ended at sunrise—but she and Eve shared that duty, and Eve tended to go to bed much earlier than Kaoru anyway.

There was only one conclusion that Kaoru could think to draw from all of this.

“My dearest, is something troubling you...?”

Chisato nodded, and Kaoru pulled her in a bit closer.

“It’s all right. You can tell me anything.”

Chisato looked up at her, and it was only then that Kaoru noticed that tears stained her cheeks. They had probably rubbed into her shirt as well, but Kaoru didn’t particularly care about that.

“It’s... Aya-chan. Her ear is getting worse, she’s in a lot of pain, and Hagumi-chan... doesn’t think it’s going to heal.” She barely managed to get the words out before her eyes welled up with tears again. “...I couldn’t let Hina-chan and Eve-chan see me like this.”

Oh.

Everyone here had already lost so much. Kaoru hadn’t known how to handle the loss of Kokoro when she had been left in the herd that attacked the hotel. She had always glowed so brightly, a sunshine in all of their lives—and as hard as Hagumi tried to make up for that, that was still a weight on all of them. Aya had been just as much of a light in Chisato’s life, and in Pastel*Palettes in general. To lose her from one of her on-and-off infections would be heartbreaking, but everyone in the group knew that it was possible—even likely—after her ear was cut off.

“I... truly, deeply, I am sorry. Losing a friend is one of the worst things that can happen in this world... but I am here for you.” Kaoru held her closely, her arms wrapped tightly around her. “No matter what, I-“

“No!” Chisato’s outburst was almost on instinct, and she moved from Kaoru’s embrace. “It was—the worst of it is... it was my fault...”

Kaoru was a bit surprised by her recoiling, but she didn’t make any effort to pull her back in. She knew that Chisato didn’t always like being touched.

“It isn’t your fault. It will never be your fault.”

“No... no, no, it is.” Chisato tried to compose herself, something that she hardly managed to do. “It’s because I left them... I don’t know what happened to them, but if I had stayed, I would have avoided all of this.”

“That isn’t true. Perhaps it would have been avoiding that, but... with what you knew and what you believed at the time, you did all that you could. And I am so incredibly proud of you.” Kaoru tried to comfort her without reaching for her again, hoping her words could get through. She relied so fully on them for a reason.

Chisato shook her head. “It’s far worse than that. I don’t even know what happened, with Maya-chan gone and Aya-chan traumatized like that... I don’t know how many of them were left alone, or how many of them ended up in an awful place because there were no better options, or... how many of them hurt people, or how many of them had to kill, or… or…”

Chisato grew more panicked with every word, and Kaoru didn’t know what to do. She knew that _something_ had happened to Chisato, but she had never known how broken up she was about it. She did the only thing she could think of: take a deep breath and try to talk to her.

“I... Chisato, if you ever need to, or want to talk... I’m here for you. You are the light of my life, the sun among the stars, and if you need to share something with me, I will never let you suffer alone.”

Chisato seemed hesitant for a moment, but her words came spilling out. “It... I was... we raided places. For supplies, for... for people... they got lucky when they found me alone, but we took people as soldiers, too, and—and someone we took didn’t want any part of it. I didn’t recognize her, but she must have been about my age, maybe younger... but she had to, and she said that stealing from people was like... cutting their throats while they slept, so I... did what I had to. We weren’t supposed to let people like that, people who would betray us, stay with us. And then they _told_ me to slit her throat, so I... I did.”

It had only taken a few words for Kaoru to realize that this must have been a sequence that played out in her head a million times. Now that sobs broke out between Chisato’s every word, all that Kaoru could do was stare in shock. She almost felt bad for not doing anything for her between when they first reunited and now, despite knowing full well that there was nothing she could have done.

Chisato’s desperate attempts to calm herself weren’t working, and she was clearly panicking further. Everything she did or thought must have felt like an escalation, and Kaoru could barely think. Chisato had hardly ever been this vulnerable around her, much less about a subject this upsetting, and she didn’t know which path to take. What could she do?

“And I’ve killed other people... not zombies. Real... living, breathing... even without orders, I—I was the one who... when we all tried to escape, I set the fire... so many people died. If it wasn’t for me, and that plan, they could have escaped...” It was hard for Kaoru to comprehend the fact that Chisato was capable of murder, but she knew that wasn’t entirely the case. She was either forced to do it or she was doing what she had to do to escape. Either way...

“It isn’t your fault. Chisato... Chii-chan... you’re a good person.” Kaoru was tempted to coat her words in flowery language, but she couldn’t. Not here, not with her, not like this. “The people here truly love you, and you will always be safe with us.”

Chisato took another look at her. She opened her mouth, and Kaoru prepared for her to blame herself again, but that didn’t happen.

“...you can’t fix me.”

She sounded hurt, but in a detached sense. Kaoru hated hearing her sound so despondent.

“There is nothing to fix. You aren’t ruined because of what other people did...” she reached a tentative hand out, not touching Chisato just yet, but she didn’t flinch. “I would undo the trauma in a heartbeat. I wish I could, but it is simply impossible... still, I am your lover, and I would not be if I was not willing to be with you at your lowest points.”

Chisato glanced down at her hand and then back at her, and only a moment later, she was back in her arms, clinging to her like it was the end of the world.

“Thank you for... for being here. You’re the first one I’ve been able to tell all of this to.” She paused for a moment, looking at Kaoru to read her expression. “...Kao-chan. I’m sorry that you ever had to find out.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. Thank you for trusting me.” Kaoru held her loosely, resting her arms gently on her back and leaning close to her. “I’m always going to be here. No matter what happens to Aya, I’ll stay by your side. Even if you are hurt again, or even when the pain becomes too much to bear, I will always be yours.”

Chisato cracked a small smile, wiping her tears on Kaoru’s shirt—a fact that didn’t bother Kaoru a bit. “You sound like you’re writing wedding vows.”

“Perhaps those bells will ring in the future for us. For now, let us enjoy what we have already built.”

She let Chisato take the lead on cuddling, and she seemed to be comfortable snuggling back up to her.

“Of course. Don’t worry too much about me.”

“I’ll always worry about you, my dearest Chisato. But I will also always trust your strength.” She smiled gently and comfortably at her. “I love you. Eve-chan, Hina, Kanon and Tae-chan all care about you just as deeply. If you ever need someone, we’re all here.”

Chisato let her smile back, just a bit. The grief and fear weren’t gone from her expression, and Kaoru wouldn’t be surprised if she woke up in the middle of the night in a panic.

Still, she was able to lay her head down on the pillow they shared and leave a soft kiss on Kaoru’s chin before she fell asleep, not to mention how relieving it must have been to tell someone all of this.

She wasn’t doomed to be forever branded a murderer. Kaoru didn’t even hesitate to accept her and love her for all she was, including all that she had been through. She knew that the others would, too, loving Chisato enough to help her love herself again.

**Author's Note:**

> this is definitely a lot darker territory than i usually get into, but i hope it works regardless! i just needed more gay apocalypse content since i’ve been deprived since march 26 2019 (real intellectuals know)


End file.
